As I continue on this journey to write my book, "Leading Like a Sinner", I continue to work on my blind spots, weaknesses, and area's of pride which blind me.
One area that I have been working on is my need for approval. A deep need that I have and one that I look to others to fill. It really has not been a healthy part of who I am. My Dad is an alcoholic and divorced my mother when I was in 5th grade. My Dad and my mechanisms for coping with him have shaped who I have become.
One desire I find in myself is my desire to be a good something. I would like to be a good son, a good husband and good dad a good employer. This is a good desire to have. It has actually helped me. But I find it is also the source of frustration in me as well. What I mean is that I use others and their reactions to me to determine if I am being a good whatever. Now in a world where your Dad is an alcoholic, often manipulative, often defensive due to his consuming addictions, allowing your Dad's reactions to define if you are a good son or not will lead you to many frustrating ends.
For one thing, it is never consistent. I think this is because when I have allowed my Dad to define if I am a good son or not, by his reactions, I allow for being a bad son when he has a bad day. You see I was not taught by my Dad how to allow principle or truth to determine how I feel. So since I knew principle was at work, who isn't aware of this, but I also used others and the feedback they would give to determine how I was doing, I would often get confusing signals. I knew I had not done anything wrong, but I was still sensing a lack of approval and thus felt like I was on shaky ground and felt badly about myself.
Being confused left me often angry while feeling that something was wrong with me. I also think this confusion would apply to others in my life as well. I would always want approval from my wife. If she didn't happen to give me approval, because she was having a bad day, or something, I would interpret it as a problem with me. In addition, if I felt that if was a problem with me and that it was not fair that she have a problem with me, then I would respond to the unfairness with anger. She would simply say, don't be angry with me, I am allowed to be grumpy. I had this requirement for perfection from my wife.
You see this is the problem when you let others define how you are doing. What I need to learn to do is allow for God, and the truth to determine how I am doing. Then when my wife is grumpy, I do not by default have to define myself as bad, and then I don't have to fight the fairness of me being bad by trying to get my wife to not be mad with me. It is really a crazy circle.
The truth that I know is we all sin. Me, my wife, and everybody around me. If we allow the sin of others to be a method of how we think about ourselves we will go crazy. If we however, recognize that everyone is a sinner, that God has provided his son and the cross as our means of overcoming our sin to have peace with God, then we can begin to see that our sin, and for that matter others peoples sin have no affect on the peace we can have with God through faith in Jesus. Since God is our ultimate judge of goodness, faith in Christ provides us goodness that is unshakable, untake away able. And since we have recieved goodness from God through faith alone, then how can I expect my wife to only recieve it from me by performance.
My next post will be about the backside strength of this weakness of needing approval that I find in myself.
2 comments:
Yep. Trying to be a People pleaser who is searching for significance is a real part of the shared human condition. Sinners trying to stand out among sinners.
"Who is worthy to open the scroll and break its seals?" (Rev 5:2)
The only one worthy to open the scroll in heaven is also the only one who is worthy and able to open the wounds of our hearts and souls to heal the bruised reeds (Is 42:3; Matt 12:20) and areas that bind us to our fallen condition. The the first born Big Brother of all humanity, Jesus Christ.(Heb 2:4-17)
It will be such a joy for you as you walk with our Big Brother through the healing process to see yourself as your Heavenly Father has always seen you; His righteousness in Christ.(Rom 3:22; 1 Cor1:30; Phil 3:9)
WOW. Whom the Son sets free.... (J8:36) Isn't it great!!!!!!!!!
Humble Confidence in His Love and Grace sets us free to give honor and approveal to others and in so doing, we are set free. His ways are such a wonderous way considering we, the fallen, can't naturally see it. It is no wonder some call his way, "the upside down kingdom". They seem backwards to how we think we need to go.
In trying to impress others we only point out our weakness to need approveal. In giving away love and mercy we show off the grace Jesus has made available to us as our Big Brother. It truely does honor Him when we enjoy His presence. Others want the joy and peace we have when we are rooted and grounded in His Grace and compassion. :-)
Fou you Father's reflection was marred and distorted by your dad. For me, our Big Brother, who is always faithfully for us, was marred. I had a near perfect dad. However, not haveing a proper persepective of Christ's brothering made my brothers and sisters in the church suspect and untrustworthy. That creates a fear and self defensive reation that is toxic to receiving the acceptance we all need.
When you put all our distoted perspectives together we get a world that reacts to each other in fear and insecurity it makes us long for Christ's return.
Be blessed as you receive more and more of Father's Grace for you. It will be a joy to all your brothers and sisters to see you free to love as you are loved.
your sister in Christ,
cch
Thanks, Scott, for the encouragement, for the reminder. It is one thing to hear truth such as this, and another thing to live in that truth. It can be a scary thing to not be dependent on others, to not be able to blame others for my unhappiness. For me, it's scary because I feel as though I am only just now genuinely learning what it means to trust God. And by that I mean that because of God's love for me, demonstrated through Christ's goodness toward me, I have been found approved, accepted, loved - regardless of all my blatantly apparent disqualifications. My part is simply to believe it's true, i.e. - faith! (My simplified definition of faith = "to believe when everything else tells me not to.") And yet, even faith is not something I can muster in myself, but it is a gift from God. (Eph 2:8) And I sure am glad because I am not strong enough, smart enough, "good" enough, to even be able to believe it's true.
Anywho, thanks for the reminder. There are so many voices in our/my life that speak a different message. I love, and need, the voices that speak truth.
I look forward to reading about the backside strength of this weakness that we both share.
Marc
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