A crisis of certainty

I started using a life coach over the past year.  He has helped me to see myself in a different manner.  Not defined by failures which we all often have, or at least I do.  But rather by larger units of measure.  What I mean, is we don't define ourselves by what happens day to day.  Our small successes and our small failures, positive feedback from others and negative feedback of others.  But we use larger scale truths to define ourselves.  One truth is that we are made in the image of God.  Another truth is that Jesus Christ came to take away any guilt we have because of our human nature.  Our nature that causes us to stumble, to miss the mark, to sin, to be selfishly focused upon ourselves and our immediate needs or wants, rather than on the bigger picture which would include loving others and loving God.  As we believe in this truth about what Jesus did on the cross, he grants to us as a free gift His righteousness, His goodness, His favor with the God of the Universe.

This is the truth by which we are to measure ourselves.

The problem I find  is that I want this truth to make me perfect.  To take me away from all conflict, from all disappointing of other people.   I want it to take me away from judgements that I make towards myself, and that I let other people confirm.  But it seems that it doesn't work that way.  It seems we must always abide in Christ which is by faith alone.  I want to start with faith and then move on to stuff that I control and that leads me to disappointment.

So I am having a crisis of certainty, or maybe uncertainty.  I am having a crisis believing that leading like a sinner helps bring a group of people together as a more cohesive team and that is what makes it successful.  I am also not certain if leading that way is enough.  Part of me feels that if I led that way well enough, I would then fail less and be happier with myself.  This leads me to worry that what I believe about leading this way is not enough or not even a reason for the success of my company.  You have to have work ethic, discipline, focus, character, intelligence to make it work as well.  And this then leads me back to my accuser that I don't have enough work ethic, not enough focus, not enough character.  I do happen to be smart, how smart, I really don't know, I have never felt that I had the character, work ethic and focus to find out.  I have always felt like an underachiever.  Even though I have achieved more than most, I hear the voice that says I could have achieved more, had I just been more focused, had more work ethic, not been lazy, played one less computer game, etc., etc.  I just know I see things quicker, reach conclusions faster than most.  I also sometimes think that I have just gotten lucky to have others around me that have those things.  They have them in greater measure and that is why I am successful.  So my allusions that leading like a sinner is the reason for success would be false.

So as I work on writing my book, I find myself wrestling with the premise.  Is it true?  Does it work?  Is it the reason, or at least a reason for success, and what is success????