I have met with a personal coach/counselor over the last few years in dealing with motivation for writing my book, as well as dealing with the issue's in my life coming from an alcoholic family and my own brokenness. This individual does a 4 1/2 day retreat called Roots and Wings. In the seminar you learn about yourself and about who you are and what you want in life. You learn about what things are most important to you and where personal power and strength come from. I learned that I am a strong man, worthy to have dreams. The words I used are specifically that I am a strong and worthy man.
I am pretty sure that won't mean much to someone not there in the moment with me. Its a hard thing to describe the transformations that took place in me. But at one particular time in the seminar, I discovered a source of power. My theology is this is the power that comes from faith, faith that I am worthy to have these good things I have desired for myself. Faith that understands it is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in ME, faith that I have been born again! But in reality, I do not know where it came from, or why it came, only that I experienced it.
Now, even though I have been born again, I still have these thoughts of hating parts of myself and thoughts of wanting to find approval from others to decide if I have done good and these thoughts fight this truth. They are used by the enemy to tell me that I am not good enough, I have not worked hard enough, I did not do it right enough, to expect that I can walk into dreams that I dream. Yet because of the gospel, I am worthy. God sent His son to become the sin that is in my flesh and fulfill the law on my behalf.
He has done that completely, and in this moment that I experienced, I saw how much I love this new creation in me and to drop the theology speak, how much I cared and deserved to think well about myself. Now in my theology, I believe this new creation within me is Jesus and because it is Him, it is indeed wonderful, but it is also still me. In the moment, I experienced this feeling in a new way, as I thought about how things could be different for me in the future, all of the sudden I KNEW that it was because I deserved to be free from the doubt and pain and that I can decide to be free from it and give to myself the good actions that come from who I am because I am worth it. It was for me a new found delight in my heart that I have never felt so strongly before and I can't wait to see how this plays out in my life!
I have been on a journey from the bottom that I experienced in 2001 through 2003, when my business almost failed and then my wife got cancer and battled through it. In those days, it took all I had to simply hang on and keep going. I hated who I was and have been a journey to find respect for myself and rediscover my purpose and meaning. This last weekend was another step of that journey, a journey into the adventure of life! A life that I love more each day.
For those few of you who read this blog, thanks for being on that journey with me, being a part of it and if you have seen change in me over these last ten years, know that is the formation of Jesus within me that you are seeing. He is my savior and part of him is in me and I am in him. I am a strong and worthy man!
2 comments:
Wow! To know whom I believed is transformational. Experience exceeds knowledge and cannot be denied. Experience is the manifestation of faith, and assurance of greater manifestations to come.
We've definitely seen a change in you these past years. It's obvious that God has worked and continues to work in you mightily. It's wonderful to see and experience the overflow of God in your life.
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